The Huffington Post just published an article about “The New Trophy Wife,” describing her in the following way,
“With her own high-paying career, the new trophy wife is highly educated, self-assured and able to hold her own financially. She's also not afraid to intimidate any male that has antiquated ideas of gender roles.”
That’s fine; many Western Woman already know they are this way. This is nothing new, the question is not the value of these women or whether they exist but rather what kind of “New Man” this “New Wife” deserves and needs to be fully expressed in the world.
My impression, given the amount written on women and the book Men On Strike, about the modern young man opting out of work and family life in response to this new power women, is that many men have no idea how to be an astonishing partner for such a woman. So, I wanted to offer men some guideposts, here.
David Deida’s Way of the Superior Man articulates the sexiness of integrity for a woman. A great woman, he says, will not tolerate even a smidge of her man’s wavering from his true purpose. Integrity does not mean just paying the credit card bill, it means living according to his highest truth. Deida rightly points out that most man do not really want a woman calling him forth all the time, so most settle for a woman who just keeps him company.
2. Freedom and Prosperity for All
We love men’s quest for freedom—it’s just time to evolve this. No longer is it just sexy to watch Brad Pitt ride off into the sunset for his own freedom, the new Trophy Wife wants her man fighting for freedom for ALL people. His prosperity ought to create prosperity for many people, maybe through financial contributions or through the creation of jobs or services that truly serve. A man’s gift is not only to his woman, but to the world. The new woman wants to see her man contributing beyond the household. If she can pay for the mortgage or the summer home on the Cape, then he can build schools, shelters for battered women or distribute technology that makes clean water possible for remote villages.
3. Love First
Because the “New Trophy Wife” can achieve her own status, we do not need to acquire it through our men. Therefore their quest for status above all, seems uninteresting and rather trite. It does nothing to inspire us. Whether you got a Fulbright means nothing if you are not kind. One of the most brilliant men I know said the most heart breaking and heartless thing about French soldiers while we walked over their bones in the trenches of Verdun. Since that day, I have believed that, “brilliance is great, but compassion is more important.” This is good news for the man who might not have above average intelligence. His kindness and warmth is the most wonderful and soothing to the woman who is taking on the challenges of the world.
Now it is his kindness and ability to break her heart open into love that pierces her, not his trophies. The whole idea of trophies is really dated overall. The new woman and her superior man are up to big things in the world and individual trinkets tarnish quickly in the light of real contribution.
4. Compliments over Challenge
Men like to compete and are motivated by being compared to others. Even accomplished women, more often respond to praise. Tell her she’s not measuring up and this might motivate her to be more masculine but it will not help her share her feminine gifts to the world.
This means, it’s still worth complimenting the shoes, telling her what parts of her you find sexy and the things she does that light you up. She will do them more. Telling her she is less than other women in any way will only many her pull away from you and seek out those who appreciate her.
5. Guide her back into her feminine
The superior man needs to practice how to bring this new woman back into her feminine nature. Treating her as an equal intellectually and professionally serves you both in your workspace, but does not create the polarity needed to create a passionate sexual and intimate relationship. This superior husband will need to be a master at breaking off her superhero suit and unlocking the vibrant, free and vulnerable woman within. She cannot be in her full power if she has to be a man to do so. If a man wants a woman like this he must be able to find her and create space for the feminine to move about even if he cannot understand.
This is not hard, but it takes practice and study. Without these skills, most men will never keep “the trophy” even if they can catch her for a month or so.
I suggest the following to get you started:
· Anything by David Deida- he has some free audios online.
· Tony and Sage Robbins: Ultimate Relationship Program. These DVDs will teach men how to guide their woman back into her feminine.
The feminine-masculine dance remains one of the great mysteries and challenges. We have entered a new stage of evolution and to match the growth requires some innovation. Keep exploring…
Sarah Federman, PhD
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